I understand that the About Me page is not very helpful. My intention was (and is) to keep the focus of this site on my work, rather than myself. The temptation to overshare is powerful, however...

So, here's a big QnA. This was originally written on September 19-20th, 2023, but many parts have been added, edited, or overhauled since then.

General

Who are you?

I am Madesuki. (I just shoved a "desu" into "Madotsuki", from Yume Nikki.) Well, really, I think of Madesuki more as a particular persona, a character representing my online communications. She is the name I've given to my node in the internet communication system.

I have also broken her down into "DanmakuMaddy" and "DanmakuSuki", characterizing two aspects of my mindspace which dominate at different times. I (sort of) explained the difference here. You'll hear more from Maddy in these personal posts, and more from Suki in my theory posts.

Birthday? Region? Height? Credit card number?

My birthday is in October.

Socials?

Twiter: madesuki_chan
Instgam: @madesuki_chan
Redit: /u/ItsaMeHibob24
Discor: madesuki
Malware: Madesuki_chan
GoodReds: Madesuki

Favorite [media]?

I may make a big favorites list post in the future. But, briefly:

Homestuck, Rain World, Lain, FNaF:VR, Monogatari Second Season, Watch for Rolling Rocks 0.5x A Presses, The Mind Electric, Patricia Taxxon, Super Paper Mario, NGE, Kelly Belly ASMR, Motteke Sailor-fuku, Hollow Knight, Touhou Project, Whitelight's 2nd Minecraft video, and clouds.

Gender?

Madesuki is a girl. She is trans.

Special interests?

Primarily FNaF and physics, as well as (more recently) some systems theory and philosophy stuff (eg Cybernetics, Autopoiesis, the work of SFI people, Luhmann, Bertalanffy, Stafford Beer, Deleuze & Guattari, etc). I also have passing/occasional interests in anime, game design, drawing, Homestuck, worldbuilding, conlanging, internet culture, and some other things.

My childhood fixations traced a fairly linear path path from dinosaurs, to Transformers, to Mario, to Minecraft, to FNaF (in middle school, when it released). They then exploded nonlinearly into Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty, Trixie (formerly Digi) & the PCP, physics, the aforementioned systems theory stuff, and probably some other things I'm forgetting.

MBTI/Neurotype/etc?

INxP. Overseer (Conceptopologist), perhaps through sheer purple. My Zodiac is Vriska. Classpect is something spacey, probably. I am an otaku, by Saito Tamaki's definition. Does Autism belong here? Level 1 on my medical diagnosis, but around level 4 on Trixie's scale.

Politics?

I like UBI, and I dislike copyright.

Sexuality? Fetishes? Top/Bottom/Dom/Sub?

Femsub.

Any spooky beliefs?

I would consider myself a naturalist. I have a much easier time attributing "supernatural" or "paranormal" experiences to my own subjectivity than to the world itself. I'm also generally put off by the anthropocentric stench of most supernatural claims.

Favorite food/drink/etc?

Taste is too dynamic to give a particular answer with any longevity. Not in an "ever-expanding palette" way (my palette does not do much expanding), just a "moment-to-moment inconsistency" way (my "favorite" is whatever I happen to be in the mood for at the time).

Favorite character?

I love Haruhi Suzumiya.

Podcasts?

Mostly Sean Carroll's Mindscape, RyeToast's FFPPcast, and 12-hour N0THANKY0U nichijou-keis.

Greatest Accomplishment?

The contents of this site are probably what I'm most proud of, thus far.

Games you're good at?

My highest accomplishment is completing all Hollow Knight endings. My best time in Getting Over It is 5m:34.189s. I'm also pretty good at Mariokart 8 DX.

Are you single?

Yes.................
(I like women!!!)

ASMRtists?

My top 4 are Kelly Belly, Goodnight Moon, Blue Katie, and Jules. I also really like Angels, Diddly, Softly Galoshes, Marno, Sunjos, Coromo Sara (I love her "ではでは、スタート"), Cham, Melody, Bakery, Cat Nap, and Divinity (in no particular order).

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?

I dislike this kind of question, because "superpower" is not very constraining. I choose "eternal unconditional accelerating euphoria and immortality" powers.

If you could have 5 thinkers in a room, living or dead, which would you pick?

The lemurs, of course.

Plans for this site?

More comics, more text posts, more games, and more works which elude this simple categorization scheme. Essentially any art I make will go here.

Size of half-written post backlog?

27, at the time of writing (2024/9/3).

Meaning of Life?

Heat.

FNaF Questions

What's in the box?

The pieces put together.

___Victim?

Shatter + Memory.

Robot kids?

I sincerely doubt it. Even in the novels, robot kids aren't thrown around carelessly. It took 3 whole books of careful setup. Anyway, Fourth Closet gave us clear criteria for spotting a robot kid: They are blurry on camera.

Andrew?

Cassidy is a better contender for UCN's vengeful spirit in almost every way (including evidence-wise, before TMIR1280). However, the Stitchline demands they be Andrew.

Parrallelism?

A common narrative device!

Dream Theory?

A misunderstanding of MemoryVictim.

Books?

I have a general, summary-level knowledge of most of the FNaF books (Though, some are pretty forgettable). As for the ones I've actually, personally read, though... here's a list. I may or may not remember to update this over time.
(X = fully read, / = partially read, _ = haven't read)

Canonicity?

I find arguments based on "similarity" or references to be utterly unconvincing. The fact that the books reference things from the games (and vice versa) is, in my view, essentially irrelevant to the question of canonicity; of course FNaF media would reference FNaF, mainline or otherwise.

More convincing is the fact that the Stitchline narrative directly continues the games' story from UCN, rather than readapting the story from the ground up as the other continuities do, which would be very strange if it weren't set in the same universe. Then, we have Scott's description of SB's story in the 2nd Dawko interview, which clicks TalesGames perfectly into place.

Frights gave the immediate impression of noncanonicity by beginning with an entirely innaccurate depiction of the missing children incident (in ITP), which has historically left its separation from the mainline as the preferred explanation. However, the story has since developed, new information has released, and in turn, the situation has changed. I dislike VengefulAndrew as much as the next theorist, but TMIR1280 can only be discounted for so long.

FNaFtubers?

I like RyeToast's podcast (though I can't sit through his videos). Puppy's video on remnant is my favorite FNaF video (and one of my favorite videos in general).

Favorite characters?

First, Mangle. Next, maybe Ennard? Molten Freddy and Springtrap too. I particularly like the movie's Spring Bonnie design.

Hopes/Fantasies for future games?

Remake Pizza Sim with better office gameplay (cameras please), and deeper interactions between the office and tycoon sections. Add more minigames, with more secrets within secrets, taking after FNaF3. Throw in a UCN redesign for Night 7. That's the fantasy.

As far as general hopes go: Besides HW, I'm a bit tired of each new game needing to entirely reinvent the series from the ground up. More simple, classic style FNaFs would be nice. The classic formula hasn't even been very well explored by the official games, in my opinion. Flumpty's did it better. If the games are smaller, I'm sure Steel Wool could at least approach Scott's output rate for the original series without too much trouble.

I'm slightly worried about the shift in focus toward free-roam... I find it lightyears less interesting than the classic style. The "sit-n-survive" framework was more-or-less the defining aspect of the FNaF series which made it stand out from other games. Hopefully free-roam is not the standard going forward.

"FNaF" or "FNAF"?

I used to say "a" in general, "A" in "FNAF World". Then I found out that it's spelt "FNaF World" on Gamejolt. So, just FNaF, then.

Should he keep coming back?

UCN was the perfect ending for William, in my opinion. It flipped his "I always come back" motto on its head, trapping him in an endlessly repeating nightmare, an agonizing cycle of death and rebirth, leaving him to wish, for once, that he could stop coming back.

That all said... I also love the idea that Afton, after all his desperate reincarnations, ends up sort of transcending physical reality and taking on an abstract existence. A mindless demon that appears when you call its name. A psychocorporeal infestation. The unembodied concept of pain. Etc etc.

Questions I Found Online

Starting from here.

4. Is there a God?

I might make a post about cosmic anthropomorphism. Anyway, I'd like to think there might exist higher-level life which could reasonably be considered a god. A technocapital AI, or something more alien. I'm doubtful, though.

10. Are we in the Matrix?

Simulation hypothesis is more cosmic anthropomorphization, I think. You're trying to guess at what's "outside", but you're still clinging to your "inside" tools. Like, if a Minecraft villager was considering whether they lived in a simulation, they'd naturally try to imagine how to simulate a world using redstone. They'd have no conception of electricity, or y'know, circles.

16. Is there absolute mortality?

(I thought this one was funny)

32. Where were people before they were born?

Where was this sentence before I typed it?

48. Where does the soul live?

Network

65. Does fate exist?

Does "fate" just mean "determinism"?
I had a shift in thinking recently regarding determinism. It's usually defined as, more or less, the idea that:


My realization was that this holds for arbitrary kinds of universes, because "correct laws of physics" can include simple "maps". If there was a universe full of random jiggling with no consistent pattern, you might want to call it nondeterministic. But if you (somehow) had a plain list of everything that happened, it would be completely predictable. My conclusion is that determinism is a property of models, not the actual universe.

(EDIT: I've elaborated/expanded on these ideas here.)

95. Will robots take over the world in the future?

Nick Land reference??????? :O

105. If aliens attack, what will we do?

Die, probably.

126. What is reality?

A vector in a hilbert space.

128. What is the truth?

Yeah, I'm bothered by the distinction between "conceptual reality" and "physical reality". As in: Could another universe have a different value of pi, and still have an entirely consistent mathematics? There's a feeling that logical truths are "more real" or "more fundamental" than physics, somehow, and I don't know what to do about this. Math can "prove" many if/then statements, independently of any sort of "experiment", not worrying about "the real world". Where does that come from?

129. Can memories be erased?

(bonk)

138. What one piece of advice would you offer to a newborn infant?

Lol, what?

154. Will it ever be possible to travel through time? Space?

...should we tell them?

173. Since the birth rate is down in the United States, should people be required to have at least one child?

State-mandated Misakis?? Wait, no...

(Continuing with questions from here)

2. What is something that makes you feel unstoppable?

Hyperfocus.

8. What's something you're really bad at?

Task-switching.

9. What do you look for when finding new friends?

People who approach me, and can carry a conversation with minimal input (my social skills are not very good).

15. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

I have difficulty extracting anything of value from a totally randomized typology. At least be pseudoscientific in an interesting way.

21. Do you live by any particular mantra?

I don't know if it counts as a "mantra" that I live by, but I quite like n0thanky0u's article, Give Up on Life.

28. Have you ever been in love?

I had an intense crush on a girl in middle school. I couldn't be bothered to keep a secret, and just told anyone who asked, so she was well aware of my feelings. I leveraged this for comedy in some cases- At one point she was dared to ask me out, to which I said yes, after which she instantly broke up with me. During this process, I counted the seconds on my fingers, afterwards exclaiming "3 seconds, new record!" Everyone laughed. I miss having friends, sometimes.

33. What do you think happens to us after death?

Decomposition.

2. What's a movie you could watch every day?

"Wake up Children! I have something for you to play with!"

3. Do you have a favorite memory?

My happiest day... no, I don't think so.

5. What types of books do you like to read?

I was reading lots of physics textbooks, for a while, but more recently I've shifted focus toward more philosophical works. At the time of writing (2024/9/3) I am "currently reading":

- Bertalanffy's General System Theory,
- Varela & Maturana's Autopoiesis and Cognition,
- Anthony Wilden's System and Structure,
- Hans-Georg Moeller's Luhmann Explained,
- Gibson's Neuromancer
- Bataille's The Accursed Share,
- Stafford Beer's Brain of the Firm,
- Sean Carroll's General Relativity textbook,
- Scattered texts by David Tong (particularly his Fluid Mechanics notes),
- Volume 1 of Foundational Papers in Complexity Science,
- David Graeber's Bullshit Jobs,
...

Well, I'll stop there. I know I said task-switching was something I'm bad at, but I am paradoxically also extremely scattered. It's a bit overwhelming.

9. What is one super-specific museum you would visit?

An internet history museum would be interesting. It should probably be a digital rather than physical museum, I suppose.

13. What is your claim to fame?

NetworkVictim.

28. Coffee or tea?

I am a coffee addict.

3. What do you wish you did more of?

Finishing books.

10. Have you ever had an epiphany?

Most of these posts are fuelled by an epiphany of some sort.

16. What's your least favorite part about being you?

Loneliness, Repression, and having to work.

23. Are you proud of yourself?

I am proud of this site.

24. What do you consider your core values?

This concept of "core values" does not really appeal to me. I really don't think that's how human feelings work... Though I imagine that choosing and insisting on a set of values will tend to make it work that way. Maybe that's the point.

25. Do you think you have a true calling?

I hope not.

29. What's something that makes you feel overwhelmed?

Backlogs stress me out. In highschool, I at one point had (unserious) plans to watch literally every movie, thinking that it was achievable given I watched 6 or so per day (in the end, I wasn't even able to work through my selected list of ~10). I feel guilty for not having consumed all art...

31. Do you like small talk?

I don't really understand this "small talk vs 'deep' conversations" dichotomy... I don't like small talk, but it's not as though I am only interested in "deep conversations". I would define small talk as conversation for the sake of conversation, rather than for the sake of communicating something. I do not really like talking for its own sake, and I am relatively unbothered by the "awkward" void of silent togetherness.

38. What's more important in life: excitement or stability?

Jouissance my beloved-

6. Do you talk to yourself?

Very often, yes. Pacing around while explaining things to myself (like a private impromptu video essay) is very good for information digestion and stress relief.

13. Who is your most embarrassing celebrity crush?

My crushes are more often on fictional characters- Haruhi Suzumiya, Misaki Nakahara, Violet from The Incredibles at one point...

The "Oversharing" Part of the QnA: Personal/Sexual Questions from Here

To preface- I dislike the relegation of sexuality as an intrinsically private matter, something which must be repressed in a public setting. I don't see much justification for it, so I will strive for openness here. This isn't to say I will disregard privacy altogether, just that I will treat sexual matters as casually as nonsexual matters.

(I am an adult.)

2. How many people have you slept with?

Zero... Assuming there is a sexual implication to "slept with", that is. Otherwise, I don't know, some friends and family.

(Anyway, given that I have no experience, I will be answering these questions from my own imagination.)

7. Where on your body is your favourite place to be touched?

My sexual fantasies generally involve burying my face in one thing or another. Also, my back is extremely sensitive, for whatever reason. I strongly relate to the common autistic desire for "deep pressure" (to be crushed, essentially).

9. If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be?

A bedroom?

12. What's your favourite position?

Some position where my face is pressed against a woman's inner-thighs.

18. Do you prefer to give or receive?

To give; I am not particularly interested in receiving. I have something of an "oral fixation" for sexual contexts, regardless of the relevant 'parts'. Vaginas fascinate me, and the direct sexual pleasure of the other interests me more than my own (masturbation satisfies the desire for self-pleasure perfectly well already).

20. What's the first thing that sexually attracts you to someone?

Legs.

31. Would you say you have any fetishes?

Yes I would. Most "submissive" fetishes you could come up with probably apply to me. To be owned, controlled, used, disregarded, hurt, pet, etc.

Here is a "kinklist" I filled out. Some of these were hard to interpret (mainly what counts as giving/receiving), so I may have made some mistakes.