My intention was initially to keep the focus of this site on my work, rather than myself. The temptation to overshare is powerful, however... So here is a big QnA. This was originally written on September 19-20th, 2023, but many parts have been added, edited, or overhauled since then.

General

Who are you?

I am Madesuki. (I just shoved a "desu" into "Madotsuki", from Yume Nikki.) Well, really, I think of Madesuki more as a particular persona, a character representing my online communications. She is the name I've given to my node in the internet communication system. I will probably only tell you my irl name if I know you irl.

I have also broken Madesuki down into "DanmakuMaddy" and "DanmakuSuki", characterizing two aspects of my mindspace which dominate at different times. I (sort of) explained the difference here. You'll hear more from Maddy in these personal posts, and more from Suki in my theory posts.

Birthday? Region? Height? Credit card number?

My birthday is in October.

Socials?

Twitter: madesuki
Instagram: @madesuki_chan
Reddit: /u/ItsaMeHibob24
Discord: madesuki
MAL: Madesuki_chan
GoodReads: Madesuki

Social labelings?

I'm transfem, and a lesbian, to good approximation.

Favorite [media]?

I may make a big favorites list post in the future. But, briefly:

Homestuck, Rain World, Lain, FNaF:VR, Monogatari Second Season, Watch for Rolling Rocks 0.5x A Presses, The Mind Electric, Patricia Taxxon, Super Paper Mario, NGE, Kelly Belly ASMR, Motteke Sailor-fuku, Hollow Knight + Silksong, Touhou Project, Whitelight's 2nd Minecraft video, and clouds.

Special interests?

Primarily FNaF, physics, and some philosophy. I also have passing/occasional interests in anime, game design, drawing, Homestuck, worldbuilding, conlanging, internet culture, and some other things.

MBTI/Neurotype/etc?

INFP. Overseer (Conceptopologist), perhaps through sheer purple. My Zodiac is Vriska. Classpect is something spacey, probably. Does Autism belong here? Level 1 on my diagnosis, but around level 4 on Trixie's scale.

Politics?

I like UBI, and I dislike copyright.

Sexuality? Fetishes? Top/Bottom/Dom/Sub?

Interested in women hurting me.

Quirks/Stims/Tics/Habits?

I pace around and talk to myself a lot. I often wave my arms around and jump up and down, or hit myself in the forehead.

Can I befriend you?

Probably, if you message me somewhere. I'm honestly not very good at conversation, though.

Can I date/fuck/kill you?

For the first two: Possibly, provided you live in the US somewhat close to me, are a woman (to some approximation), and are clear and insistent with your intentions. For the third: I think I am quite gullible, so you could probably pretend to meet the above criteria to lure me into a diabolical trap of some sort.

Any spooky beliefs?

I consider myself a naturalist. I have a much easier time attributing "supernatural" or "paranormal" experiences to my own subjectivity than to the world itself. I'm also generally put off by the anthropocentric stench of most supernatural claims.

Favorite food/drink/etc?

My taste is too dynamic to give a particular answer with any longevity. Not in an "ever-expanding palette" way (my palette does not do much expanding), just a "moment-to-moment inconsistency" way (my "favorite" is whatever I happen to be in the mood for at the time).

Favorite character?

I love Haruhi Suzumiya.

Biggest influence?

Probably Trixie.

Games you're good at?

My highest accomplishment is completing all Hollow Knight endings. My best time in Getting Over It is 5m:34.189s. I'm also pretty good at Mariokart 8 DX.

ASMRtists?

My main favorites are Kelly Belly and Jules. I also really like (in no particular order) Astra, Angels, Blue Katie, Goodnight Moon, Diddly, Softly Galoshes, Marno, Sunjos, Coromo Sara (I love her "ではでは、スタート"), Cham, Melody, Bakery, Cat Nap, and Divinity.

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?

I dislike this kind of question, because "superpower" is not a very constraining qualification. I choose "eternal unconditional accelerating euphoria and immortality" powers.

What is your hottest take?

Probably something about pedophilia. (I don't want people to be killed for feelings they don't control.)

Plans for this site?

More text posts, comics, games, and works which elude this simple categorization scheme. Essentially any art I make will probably go here.

Size of half-written post backlog?

27, at the time of writing (2024/9/3).

Meaning of Life?

Heat.

FNaF Questions

What's in the box?

The pieces put together.

___Victim?

Shatter + Memory. Perhaps a bit of Spark, on the side.

Parrallelism?

A common narrative device!

Dream Theory?

A misunderstanding of MemoryVictim.

Books?

I have a general, summary-level knowledge of most of the FNaF books (Though, some are pretty forgettable). As for the ones I've actually, personally read, though... here's a list. I may or may not remember to update this over time.
(X = fully read, / = partially read, _ = haven't read)

FNaFtubers?

I like RyeToast's podcast (though I can't sit through his videos). Puppy's video on remnant is my favorite FNaF video (and one of my favorite videos in general).

Favorite characters?

First, Mangle. Next, maybe Ennard?

Hopes/Fantasies for future games?

Remake Pizza Sim with better office gameplay (cameras please), and deeper interactions between the office and tycoon sections. Add more minigames, with more secrets within secrets, taking after FNaF3. Find a good balance of mystery with concrete leads and compelling writing (eg characterization). Throw in a UCN redesign for Night 7. That's the fantasy.

As for a more realistic view, more simple, classic "sit-n-survive" games would be nice. I'm slightly worried about the shift in focus toward free-roam. The classic style hasn't even been very well explored by the official games, in my opinion. And, if the games are smaller, I'm sure Steel Wool could at least approach Scott's output rate for the original series without too much trouble.

Should he keep coming back?

UCN was the perfect ending for William, in my opinion. It flipped his "I always come back" motto on its head, trapping him in an endlessly repeating nightmare, an agonizing cycle of death and rebirth, leaving him to wish, for once, that he could stop coming back.

That all said... I also love the idea that Afton, after all his desperate reincarnations, ends up sort of transcending physical reality and taking on an abstract existence. A psychocorporeal infestation, the unembodied concept of pain, etc etc.

Questions I Found Online

Starting from here.

4. Is there a God?

I might make a post about cosmic anthropomorphism. (Edit: I now have.) Anyway, I'd like to think there might exist some processes which could reasonably be considered gods. Technocapital AI, or something more alien. I'm doubtful, though.

10. Are we in the Matrix?

Simulation hypothesis is more cosmic anthropomorphization, I think. You're trying to guess at what's "outside", but you're still clinging to your "inside" tools. Like, if a Minecraft villager was considering whether they lived in a simulation, they'd naturally try to imagine how to simulate a world using redstone. They'd have no conception of electricity, or y'know, circles.

16. Is there absolute mortality?

(I thought this one was funny)

32. Where were people before they were born?

Where was this sentence before I typed it?
("Womb" is the actual answer.)

65. Does fate exist?

Does "fate" just mean "determinism"?
I had a shift in thinking recently regarding determinism. It's usually defined as, more or less, the idea that:


My realization was that this holds for arbitrary kinds of universes, because "correct laws of physics" can include simple "maps". If there was a universe full of random jiggling with no consistent pattern, you might want to call it nondeterministic. But if you (somehow) had a plain list of everything that happened, it would be completely predictable. My conclusion is that determinism is a property of models, not the actual universe.

(EDIT: I've elaborated/expanded on these ideas here.)

105. If aliens attack, what will we do?

Die, probably.

126. What is reality?

A vector in a hilbert space.

128. What is the truth?

Yeah, I'm bothered by the distinction between "conceptual reality" and "physical reality". As in: Could another universe have a different value of pi, and still have an entirely consistent mathematics? There's a feeling that logical truths are "more real" or "more fundamental" than the 'material' world, somehow, and I don't know what to do about this. Math can "prove" many if/then statements, independently of any sort of "experiment", not worrying about "the real world". Where does that come from?

129. Can memories be erased?

(bonk)

138. What one piece of advice would you offer to a newborn infant?

I don't think a newborn infant would benefit much from my advice.

173. Since the birth rate is down in the United States, should people be required to have at least one child?

State-mandated Misakis?? Wait, no...

(Continuing with questions from here)

2. What is something that makes you feel unstoppable?

Hyperfocus.

8. What's something you're really bad at?

Executive functioning.

9. What do you look for when finding new friends?

People who approach me, and can carry a conversation with minimal input (my social skills are not very good).

15. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

I have difficulty extracting anything of value from a totally randomized typology. At least be pseudoscientific in an interesting way.

21. Do you live by any particular mantra?

I don't know if it counts as a "mantra" that I live by, but I quite like n0thanky0u's article, Give Up on Life.

33. What do you think happens to us after death?

Decomposition.

5. What types of books do you like to read?

Whatever I happen to be interested in at the moment- usually physics textbooks, philosophy books, and manga. I rarely make much progress before getting distracted.

9. What is one super-specific museum you would visit?

An internet history museum would be interesting. It should probably be a digital rather than physical museum, I suppose.

28. Coffee or tea?

I am a coffee addict.

3. What do you wish you did more of?

Finishing books.

10. Have you ever had an epiphany?

Most of these posts are fuelled by an epiphany of some sort.

24. What do you consider your core values?

This concept of "core values" does not really appeal to me. I really don't think that's how human feelings work... Though I suppose that choosing and insisting on a set of values might tend to make it work that way. Maybe that's the point.

25. Do you think you have a true calling?

I suspect this doesn't actually mean anything.

29. What's something that makes you feel overwhelmed?

Backlogs stress me out. In highschool, I at one point had (unserious) plans to watch literally every movie, thinking that it was achievable given I watched 6 or so per day (in the end, I wasn't even able to work through my selected list of ~10). I feel guilty for not having consumed all art...

31. Do you like small talk?

The alleged small talk - deep conversations dichotomy is peculiar to me. I don't think I like small talk, but it's not as though I am only interested in "deep conversations". I would here define small talk as conversation for the sake of conversation, rather than for the sake of communicating something. I do not tend to enjoy talking intrinsically, and I am relatively unbothered by the "awkward" void of silent togetherness. It's harder to get that on the internet, unfortunately.

6. Do you talk to yourself?

Very often, yes. Pacing around while explaining things to myself (thinking of it like a private impromptu video essay) is very good for information digestion and stress relief.

13. Who is your most embarrassing celebrity crush?

My crushes are more often on fictional characters- Haruhi Suzumiya, Misaki Nakahara, Violet from The Incredibles at one point. I'm not particularly embarrassed, though.

Questions pertaining to my trans-ness

Will you get the surgery?

Probably not.

Will you get the (other) surgery?

I hope so.

Do you voice train?

I'm considering doing a long rambly podcast for this purpose.

Is t4t like incest?

Not really? Though I don't actually have a problem with incest so I don't really care.

Is transgenderism a cult?

Uhhh no I don't think so.

How can you be trans AND a lesbian??

This sort of question is very funny to me, I really don't understand what kind of thought process produces it. It's like asking someone "How can you be tall AND have blue eyes??" As though people can only have one single identity label. You're only allowed one adjective, sorry.

Which bathroom do you use?

I just go in my pants.

How many genders are there?

Let me just consult the periodic table of genders real quick. One moment...

Ah yes, it says, "There are at least three."

Sexual Questions

To preface- I dislike the relegation of sexuality as an intrinsically private matter, something which must be repressed in a public setting. Rather, I will tend to treat sexual matters as casually as nonsexual matters.

(I am an adult.)

Questions come from here, here, and here.

2. How many people have you slept with?

Zero... Assuming there is a sexual implication to "slept with". Otherwise, I don't know, some friends and family I think.

(Anyway, given that I have no experience, I will be answering these questions from my own imagination.)

7. Where on your body is your favourite place to be touched?

My sexual fantasies generally involve burying my face in one thing or another. Also, my back is extremely sensitive, for whatever reason. I strongly relate to the common autistic desire for "deep pressure" (to be crushed, essentially).

12. What's your favourite position?

Most likely some position where my face is pressed against a woman's inner-thighs.

18. Do you prefer to give or receive?

Primarily to give, I expect. I have something of an "oral fixation" for sexual contexts, regardless of the relevant 'parts'. Vaginas fascinate me, penises are hard to resist, and the direct sexual pleasure of the other interests me more than my own (masturbation satisfies the desire for self-pleasure perfectly well already).

The exception is anal, which I would like to receive, I think. I guess the point is just that I have a penis and am not interested in 'using it'.

20. What's the first thing that sexually attracts you to someone?

Legs, probably.

31. Would you say you have any fetishes?

Yes I would. Most "submissive" fetishes you could come up with probably apply to me. To be owned, controlled, used, disregarded, hurt, pet, etc.

Here is a "kinklist" I filled out. Some of these were hard to interpret (mainly what counts as giving/receiving), so I may have made some mistakes.

Do you watch porn?

A lot, yes. I am a digital hoarder by habit, so I have around 27 GB of it on my flash drive.
(Edit: I accidentally wiped this drive when installing Arch, oops.)

Do you like sex toys?

Vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, and most commonly, chastity cages, yes. My inverted cage is by far the comfiest but I unfortunately can't pee while wearing it, and catheters spook me a little. So I tend to just carry around the key and unlock to use the bathroom.

Do you like sex with the lights on or off?

I usually prefer the lights off regardless. Darkness is much more comfortable than light.

Do you like watching girl-on-girl sex?

Yeah.

What’s the strangest item you’ve ever used as a sex toy?

A small cylindrical container of dust cleaning gel. It would probably be funnier to not elaborate, but I will regardless- I was sitting on it in a way which put pressure in a particular spot, to restrict erections.

2. When did you first learn to masturbate?

I was like 12, I think. Though, I remember sexual feelings, sensations, dreams, and fantasies from as early as age 5. I obviously didn't know what sex was yet, so my fantasies were of things like being forced to be naked in public, being enslaved, being used as clothing, or being eaten by dinosaurs.

16. What do you think of having a threesome?

Seeing as I don't care about monogamy and don't have a genital preference, this might be ideal.

19. Do you consider yourself a breather, a moaner, or a screamer in bed?

Heavy breathing comes most naturally, but I've been making an active effort to moan lately, because it seems to improve the experience.

27. What do you feel about the size of my penis?

Average sized penises seem most appealing for practical purposes. Particularly big ones have a special charm, though, and particularly small ones are very cute. I used to have an SPH fetish, and wished mine was smaller. (It's like 5.5-6.5 inches, I think.) I've mostly lost interest in that, though.

34. How would you want to be seduced?

Directly, with clarity of desire and intention. Maybe read Halimede's guide. (This one.)

68. What would you like me to wear to bed?

Probably something comfortable- I don't like the texture of leather or latex or whatnot. Also consider the Theiss titillation theory.